Monday Weigh-in #2

I had my 2nd date with the scale this morning and she showed 300.5, which means I'm down 0.5 lbs. I'll take it! It's still a loss in the right direction.

I was kind of worried about weighing in today because I ate way too much over the weekend while camping. I had brought some healthy food with me, which I did eat...but I also ate a whole whack of potato chips, burgers (at least they were PC Blue Menu), and probably too many roasted marshmallows. Here's what went wrong: it rained. It rained, which means that on a camping trip, you're pretty limited with regard to the activities you were planning to do. We ended up spending most of the time on the picnic tables under the tarp talking, playing games and eating. Usually while camping we'd spend so much more time hiking, playing in the water with the dogs, canoeing/kayaking, etc. We had some sun Saturday afternoon, but the rain came early and pretty much stayed for the rest of the day and night. Unfortunately, it was also fairly cool out, which meant that when we got wet, we got a chill. At least if it rains when it's hot out no one really cares that they're wet.


So as you can see from the picture, we hung a couple tarps to protect us from the rain. I knew the forecast was calling for rain, so I stopped at a store on the way up north and picked up a couple of large tarps just in case...and believe it or not, everyone was telling me that we didn't need them! Well, I can tell you when it started raining, people were pretty happy they had the tarps to sit under.

Camping!

Hubby and I are heading camping this weekend...I hope the weather holds up! They're calling for thunderstorms around the area. Normally I LOVE thunderstorms, but they're not so much fun in a tent.

I'm heading to the grocery store in a little bit to buy some healthy eats to take camping. Normally camping would mean junk food galore, but I'm going to be proactive and stock up on some healthy fare instead. The good thing about camping is that I'm always way more active than I am at home: swimming, canoeing, hiking, walking, etc. I'm really looking forward to it. The ONLY thing I don't like about camping is where I have to sleep. I'm a sucker for my comfy bed and have a hard time sleeping anywhere else, let alone in a sleeping bag, on the ground, in a tent. I'm going to experiment this time by bringing some other blankets and possibly opening up my sleeping bag to use it more as a blanket/to lie on. That's one thing about being a big girl camping...there's just not enough room in the sleeping bag to move around as freely as I'd like. It's these little things that smaller people take for granted...I know I did before I gained all my weight! I remember the first time I went camping after gaining a substantial amount of weight. I was like, "Did my sleeping bag shrink?!?" LOL! Not only do our pants get smaller, but our sleeping bags do as well. So I guess that's something to look forward to for next summer. I'll be smaller and my sleeping bag will be bigger!

Puppy Time

The good thing about owning a dog is that they are a built-in, permanent reminder to take an activity break. I've been spending the last days stuck in my house studying for a licensing exam (ugh!) and it can be so hard to find the motivation to want to work out after reading and studying for several hours straight. Of course, this is when I need to get my butt up and moving the most, but I just feel drained...even if I am only working out my brain.

The only thing that got me up and out of the house today was the guilt...the guilt my dog was psychically sending me today while I was studying. He looked so bored. He's used to getting much more activity during the day, so I knew I had to take him out for a walk and run around the park. Poor little guy!

Nevertheless, as you can see, he was quite a happy pup during out stop at the park to throw some balls. He's a very good fetcher!

This is my first attempt at posting an image in my blog. Hopefully it works out okay!
My pup's name is Sully (Sullivan, but we call him Sully) and he just turned 1 year old in July. We also have an 8-year-old cat (Mila), however she's happy just lounging in the sun in the backyard. I think she actually prefers having me home studying, because that means lots of pets for her when she walks over my laptop and lays down on my books nonchalantly, in an effort to get my attention.

So...not much to post today about my weight-loss odyssey...I wonder how many calories studying burns? Not enough...

Monday Weigh-in

I weighed in today (week 1) and I lost 2 lbs! Woo hoo!

I did indulge this week, but tried to make better choices overall, so I'm glad that showed. I suspect all the activity I got in over the weekend definitely helped my cause.

A Monday weigh-in is a funny thing. I chose Mondays in particular to help keep me accountable for my weekend eating. I remember in the past when I had a Friday weigh-in date I would eat so much crap on the weekend because I felt like I had all week to make up for it. Monday weigh-ins put a stop to all that. I think it makes for a more realistic lifestyle...one that includes moderation.

Is anyone a weekday dieter? I've heard of that...when people eat whatever they want on the weekends and diet strictly during weekdays. Or that people have a "cheat day" once every week, where they can eat whatever they want. It would seem that these kinds of "diets" are just that: diets. Not necessarily sustainable lifestyles where you can eat all kinds of foods in moderation. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong! It just seems like some kind of slippery slope to binging.

So back to my weigh-in for this week. I'm 2 lbs lighter than I was last week, which is AWESOME! I'm actually surprised by how happy I am to see a 2 lb loss. There was a time when seeing only 2 lbs would bum me out, but I think that just seeing the scale go down instead of up, at this point, is a thrill.

Goals and Rewards

I thought it would be a good idea to set some small goals for myself and come up with a reward for each milestone, in a hope to better motivate myself. I work well with goals in mind. As of now, I’m not following any particular food plan, though I am partial to Weight Watchers. I did WW a few years ago and found some success, but after going on a vacation, never quite recommitted again...and of course, as the old story goes, the weight came back with a vengeance. What’s funny is that even years later, I still think of food in terms of points!

So below I’ve shared my goals. I weighed in this past Monday at my all-time highest weight of 303 lbs. *gulp* I’ve been hovering just under the 300 mark for the past year, but now I’ve crossed over it and I need to make sure I don’t venture any further into the 300’s. I’ve seen enough of them thank you very much.

Initial Weigh-in: 303 lbs (August 10, 2009)

Goals:

298 --- 5 lbs (First 5 lbs AND out of the 300’s forever!!!)
Reward =New running shoes

293 --- 10 lbs
Reward = Manicure/Pedicure

288 --- 15 lbs (Celebrate another 5 lbs AND out of the 290’s!)
Reward = New earrings

283 --- 20 lbs
Reward = Facial

278 --- 25 lbs (Celebrate another 5 lbs AND out of the 280’s!)
Reward = New Outfit

273 --- 30 lbs (10% Loss!!)
Reward = Weekend away with Ryan @ Red Leaves Resort
Additional Reward = Clean out my closet of clothes that don’t fit


I'll add onto these goals and rewards as I go along and work towards success. I think it'll be better for me to focus on small intervals, rather than looking into the distance at the long-term goal that seems to far away (aka unattainable). My goal weight is 160 lbs (I'm 5'8"), which is a weight that I have been before, and was happy with, but for now I will only focus on the first 5 lbs to lose. I can do 5 lbs...140 lbs on the other hand...the thought of losing that much weight makes me break out in a cold sweat! It's such an overwhelming thought that it makes me want to give up and curl up on the couch in front of the TV with a bag of potato chips.

Thus, 5 lbs. I can do 5 lbs.

Exercise really CAN be fun!

Today I partook in an accidental workout…you know the workout you do without even realizing it because you’re having so much fun. The kind of workout that leaves you feeling really sore later that night or the next day, and you're caught off guard wondering why your muscles are aching because you don't remember actually exercising.

I spent the day at the beach today. It was so sunny and hot, the water was warm, and the company was great (a couple friends and my pup). We were there for about 5 hours, much of it spent in the water because it was so hot. The great part of this was that I was having so much fun, I didn’t even realize I was getting a fabulous workout. My arms are so sore right now! Mostly my triceps. I guess all the swimming, treading water, and throwing balls with my pup added up. I love that feeling. Knowing that I got a workout in without even having to try! It’s a nice reminder that exercise really can be fun, and that it can be incorporated into daily activities in a way that doesn’t necessarily feel like a chore.

And yes…to those of you who might be wondering…I proudly wore my tankini bathing suit amongst all the tanned, bikini clad beauties on the beach. Why should only skinny people get to enjoy the sun, sand, and water?

Free at Last

As a fat girl, I obviously have many parts of my body that I would like change. One part in particular that has bothered me since my weight gain is my arms. Man…I remember when I used to think I had fat arms. What a chump I was! I had no idea what fat arms really were! Perspective really is everything, isn’t it?

I’ve noticed that I’ve been hiding my arms lately. Hiding them from the world or hiding them from myself? Probably a bit of both. It’s been a long time since I’ve been without sleeves, but this week’s temperatures have really spiked, and it’s so obviously much cooler without sleeves. I found myself reflecting on why I don’t want to go sleeveless in public. Is it because I’m embarrassed of my arms? Is it because I will feel judged by someone else? Do I feel like others don’t want to see my bare arms? Will it make them uncomfortable? So many questions…and there were more questions like this, but I seem to answer yes to them all.

But why shouldn’t I get to be as comfortable in the heat as that skinny person in the tank top and shorts? Should I be punished because I’m fat? Today I decided no. I decided to dress for the weather and expose my arms to the world! And it felt great! I had bought this cute maxi dress at the beginning of the summer, but hadn’t worn it out yet because it is quite revealing…cleavage and arms baby! It has little spaghetti-like straps. It’s a super comfortable, flowing dress and it felt great to wear it. To my pleasant surprise, there were no awkward stares at my fat arms and I even got a compliment!

So what brought on this change of attitude you may ask? I was at a bridal shower this past weekend and it was a hot, hot, HOT day. Hottest and muggiest day of the year so far (40C/104F). The hostesss of the party did not have air conditioning and we were all melting…almost literally…I actually made a joke to one of my friends that after sitting in a leather chair and sweating, I felt like I needed to wipe it down after I got up, akin to disinfecting/wiping down exercise equipment after use at the gym. Gross, I know…but that’s how f***ing hot it was! Can you tell I don’t do well in the heat? Anyway, during this heat wave one of my friends at the party was dressed in a cute tank top, but was wearing a sweater over her top…she had pushed the sleeves up, but it was way too hot to be wearing a sweater at that point. I actually point-blank asked her why she was wearing the sweater, and she pulled down a sleeve to show me she was wearing a tank top…that was her explanation…almost like, “Duh! I’m wearing a tank top!” She didn’t want to show her arms. Period. In the company of her friends, and on the hottest day of the year, she would rather suffer overheating than wear her very cute tank top. Did I mention that she was the Bride at this bridal shower? I had an internal reaction to this. Quite frankly, it made me sad. The other point to be made here is that this beautiful woman is much thinner than me, with much smaller arms, and yet she still felt that her body was not ‘good enough’ to expose, even at the sake of her own comfort.

Why do we punish ourselves for not being the picture of perfection? This got me thinking, maybe if I was a bit kinder to myself, then my relationship with food would improve as a result. Well, I figure at the very least, it can’t hurt! Thus, I decided to expose my arms to the world. They’re free!

A Picture Worth a Thousand Cringes

So I picked up the mail today and what was waiting for me? A thank-you note from my brother and his new wife. They were married just over a month ago and it was the obligatory thank-you note that everyone gets after attending a wedding. Now, what was unique about this thank-you note was that the card was made from a personalized picture of my husband and I with the bride and groom. (My brother and his wife made sure to take a picture with every guest – all 100 of them – for the purpose of being able to send out these personal thank-you notes). A very nice keepsake for the guests. Anyway, so the card included a picture of my husband and I with the bride and groom, as well as some extra photos they included inside the card.

By now, those of your reading this entry, probably have an idea of where I’m going with this story. *sigh* Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m fat. I know that no amount or type of clothing can hide that fact. I’m fat. I’m “obese”, as my doctor likes to remind me… "not overweight, but obese”...Ya...I'm quoting her from my most recent doctor appointment. You have to appreciate that clarification, just in case I'm not aware of how fat I am.

Anyway, I spent some time thinking about what I was going to wear to my brother’s wedding. After all, I was the master (mistress?) of ceremonies for the day, so I wanted to look nice. I picked out a cute dress, and thought that I actually looked pretty good that day, but seeing myself in these wedding pictures makes me second guess all that. I look…swollen! That's the only word I can think to use right now. At some point along the way, I must have crossed over from fat to uncomfortably large. These pictures are making me think I can’t get away with wearing the same dress at my friend’s wedding in a couple weeks. Did I mention I’m the master of ceremony for her wedding as well? Apparently the people in my life must think I’m a good public speaker.

I like weddings. I like socializing, getting dressed up, eating, drinking, dancing…what’s not to like? BUT…lately, as I’ve gotten heavier and heavier, something is taken away from all that joy. In the time leading up to my brother’s wedding, I found myself feeling anxious about seeing all my relatives who hadn’t seen me in a while, because I know that I am much heavier than the last time they saw me. I hate that feeling. That feeling of dread that makes you want to avoid the potentially fun experiences in life. Of course I didn't give into it. It’s important to not let it win.

Well, I got off track a little bit, but I originally wanted to talk about the perceptions we have about ourselves and what we look like. How it takes time for our heads to catch up with our bodies. And that goes both ways. You always hear about people who have lost a lot of weight, but still think of themselves as fat. Well, apparently it works the other way too. You never really know how much weight you’ve gained until you see a picture of yourself, which tends to be why some people avoid cameras like the plague. These wedding pictures feel like a low point for me. They feel like a wake-up call. A shot of reality in the arm that I needed. One photo stood out among the others. It was a family picture that included both my brothers, my brother’s new wife, and my parents. Sometime you should know is that no one in my family is overweight. I’m the black sheep in this regard. I certainly can’t blame genes for my weight problem! No one in my immediate family has ever been overweight…come to think of it, pretty much all of my aunts and uncles and cousins are all in good shape. So what the heck happened with me?! That makes me wonder…would it be more comforting if I had an overweight ally in my family somewhere? Probably not much.

The Beginning...

So I think it's finally happened. I've had a couple "aha" moments regarding my health and weight. One moment in particular has stayed with me and I've been thinking about it several times a day for the past week. As I sit here thinking about where to start and what to write, my head is swirling with so many thoughts and emotions that I fear I won't be able to do justice to them in print. I'll try...though I don't quite know where to start. Maybe that why it's such a good idea to actually make the effort to write them down.

I'm 29 years old. Almost 30...whatever that means, though I suspect it means something. I've been steadily gaining weight since I was about 18/19 years old. It's added up to about 120 lbs in 10 years. Quite a bit. To be honest, I have moments where I feel pure terror of just how out of control my weight has become, and I wonder if I will ever be able to stop it from increasing. Moments of optimism have diminished over the years as the weight gain continued to rise. I long for the days where I was hoping to lose 20-40 lbs. Every pound I gained decreased that sense I used to have of hope. Hope that I can turn this around. Hope that I will live a long and healthy life. Hope that I have the energy to face why I've gained so much weight. Hope that I won't feel so hopeless.

Please excuse the melodrama, but something about this topic is raw.

I was at the doctor's office last week for a 3 month check-in regarding my sugars (she's been monitoring my blood sugars, because I'm sitting right under the cut-off for Diabetes). I believe I have what's so optimistically referred to as Pre-Diabetes. There is a level of denial about this. I logically know how close I am to tipping over into the range of "Diabetes" and yet I spent the last months doing nothing to try and turn it around...aside from feeling sorry for myself I suppose. Of course, that doesn't help because it usually results in my wanting to eat to feel better, but I digress. So I saw my doctor this past week and after looking at my numbers, she suggested that I start Metformin (diabetes meds). I felt fear when she said this. Fear of what it meant if I had to take medication for diabetes; that it would somehow all become real. How can I deny something when I have to take medication for it every day? That kind of brings it into my awareness. I asked her if I could have time. If she would give me time to try and move the numbers in the other direction. She was fine with that. She wants to see me again in 3 months time, after which if nothing as changed, she will put me on medication. Time is running out. I hear the tick tock of a biological clock, but not the maternal kind...the kind that tells me the longer I wait to put off getting healthy, the harder it will be. That I don't have an unlimited amount of time in this life, so I would like to make the best of it.

I'm 29 years old. I have to repeat that again because it seems as though I have the medical work-up of someone much older. I'm only 29, and yet if you saw my numbers you would think I was much older. Numbers, numbers, so many numbers...blood sugar numbers, blood pressure numbers, cholesteral numbers, scale numbers, waist size numbers, clothing size numbers, BMI numbers...so many numbers. My head is swirling with numbers. Numbers I am, numbers I want to be, number I should be...too many numbers. The word numbers has lost all meaning. It looks like a pseudoword on the screen as I type it. The more I focus on it, the less real it seems. Somehow that seems related to the focus on my weight...